Venting

I need to vent and this is the best way I can do it. I usually talk to vent, but the ones I care about the most are on the other side of the planet. So I choose to vent and let things go through this. I just need to get it off my chest, not for people to feel sorry for me just for my sake of venting.

Loosing a best friend while your abroad has been atrying experience. The emotional ups and downs with no one to hug you and wipe your tears away has been rough. My friend Josh was killed Sunday afternoon in a car accident due to a blown out tire that flipped his truck..... Friend....That's not a strong enough word to describe the relationship I had with Josh....Brother is more characteristic of the relationship we shared.

When I look back on my highschool career I can see the Josh's footprints left on my heart. He was there with me at band practice, loading crew, football games, solar car meetings( even the frustrating times), and BBQs. My favorite times we shared where those on my front porch, in the swimming pool at his house, or in one of our cars just cruising around Cameron. We often found ourselves shocked at how long and how indepth our conversations would run into the night! Josh loved me when others seemed to care less. I had a hard highschool career and Josh made it enjoyable for me. I was severely obese in highschool and made fun of daily. Josh showed me his love and kept my head up through most of high school. When I started loosing weight he was there encouraging me along the way and being stunned when i would come home after being away for a month or two. "You did it Man! You actually gone and done it! You proved everyone wrong and im so proud of you I cant believe it sometimes at how you've changed your appearance!" Is what I heard so often from Josh.

The last time I saw Josh was a few weeks before leaving from the US and embarking on this Journey across South East Asia. I was grilling some steaks for my parents and I called him up and invited him to sit out on the porch like old times. We talked about his job, what he was learning, and how much he was in love with Emily his finance. Josh was laying his future down and it was finally taking him places that he wanted. Josh has a knack for getting to know people, finding the good in them, and knowing what makes them tick. He had a passion for people that I found was always wonderful!!

I know that I cannot physically be there for his family, but I am there spiritually in thoughts and prayers. God has taken him to a better place. A fellow worker comforted me today and told me that God just loves him more and wanted him in paradise. I know I'll see him in paradise when my time comes. Its not that I struggle with. Its the not being there physically that i struggle with.

Living abroad makes it hard to come home at the drop of a dime. The flights are all booked and nothing is available on short term notice. I found myself experiencing emotions I've never felt before. Anger, sadness, confusion, anxiety, shaking uncontrollably. I didn't know what to do or believe. I took the day off from work and found a church. I spent the morning in Eucharistic Adoration at a local Catholic Church. It was a spiritually healing process as I just soaked up the presences of Christ holding me in his arms. I thought about all the happy times and sobbed uncontrollably during this time. Following adoration I just walked...walked, walked, and walked for over two hours just reflecting and trying to make since of it all. It was good just to have the day to myself and to start my healing process that has only begun.

Josh I will always remember you and truly miss your smile, love, passion for life, and the talks on the front porch. I know you'll be there listening when I need it the most , just like you've always been there for me in those crazy times over the past few years. Christ's love will carry you home! I will see you in Paradise Brother.